Cuckold, how to Destroy a Perfect Marriage, Wife’s short-sighted cuckold fantasy ruins a good marriage, I once read, “If you believe you’re able to break a thing, you should believe in yourself enough to find a way to fix it. Never give up hope!” I hold on to that thought always and repeat it to myself aloud several times a day. That’s all I have left now.
Where to begin? I destroyed a perfect marriage. Mine. What does it matter now anyway? I can’t go back in time and change things. I had it all, but couldn’t see it at the time. No, that’s not correct. I knew very well what I had, but for one week of my entire life, I choose to not appreciate it. That’s all it took. One week. I want to blame it on a temporary bout of, “sexual driven insanity” that allowed my fantasy world to spill over into my real world. And by allowing that to happen, I murdered a very good, man, husband, and father. That’s what happens for my stupid behavior. You don’t break someone’s heart who loves you. You murder them. The person they were. That’s what I did and I can’t find a way yet to fix it. If it weren’t for my children, I would have lost my sanity. The love and the demand of raising them, keep me focused. The children are my whole world now and give purpose to my life to carry on with no Danny.
The wicked witch of this tale of woe is me, Carrie Wilson. The man I murdered is my husband, Dan Wilson. A really nice, gentle, and easy-going man who everyone likes. Once upon a time, we were a couple everyone liked.
I met Dan when we were both 14 in 9th grade. We both lost our virginity at 15 in my parent’s backyard under the stars one hot summer night. We gave ourselves to each with adolescent love on an old bed sheet I snuck from my parents home. And I believe it was true love even then and not just two horny teenagers hormones running wild. Why? Because we were together since then until I destroyed it all. The worst part is I used his love and trust for me to get what I selfishly wanted. I can see clearly now how evil a thing that was to do with Dan. I take full responsibility for what happened. Who would do that to another person? A horrible human being. And that’s what I see now in the mirror when I look.
Dan and I were from the same middle-income background. If you saw us together you would have thought we looked more like a brother and sister than anything else. Maybe that was part of the physical attraction we shared. Not just looks though. We shared the same interest in everything. He was the first and only boy I could speak with about anything. Anything at all. He was so easy to be with and was always trying to make me laugh. I was taller for a bit but when Dan hit his growth spurt, he topped out at 5’10”. Had brown hair and the clearest blue eyes I’d seen. He ran long distance later in high school and was in really terrific shape. He was so cute back then. He is even more handsome today.
Today, I am 5’7”, brown hair, brown eyes, and still, have a good figure after giving birth to three children. I was a copy of my mother, who my dad called a ‘hottie’. That’s what he told me one evening while our family was all are watching the television together.
Dad looked across the room and said, “Carrie, you’re going to grow up to be a “hottie” like your mom one day.”
That’s all mom needed to hear. With that, she moved from the couch where my brother and I were sitting, sat down on dad’s lap and put her arm around his neck, “Jerry, you still think I’m a hottie?”
I can still remember quite clearly my father very sweetly looking my mother in the face that night, “Clair, you’ll always be my hottie. And I always love you.” Then he kissed mom. My brother and I would always get a little embarrassed watching our parents show affection to each other. But it was also a sense of comfort to see them happy together. Those were nice times.
Life went on and both Dan and I went to a nearby University. I received a degree in teaching and Dan became of all things, an accountant. I say that because I knew him better than anyone else. We went to thru school together and Dan never mentioned any interest in math at all. Everyone, including his family, was surprised by his choice
to major in accounting. But he did it and later got his Masters. I was so proud. Why? Because I loved the best friend and lover any woman could ask for. I was sure Dan would ask me to marry him, to build a future, build a home, and raise children together.
As for my teaching degree. I did it to have an occupation to fall back on if needed. And be near Dan. I wanted to be a housewife and was not ashamed to admit it. I saw it as a positive thing. I worked as a teacher for a while until our first child was born, a boy we named Michael. That that was enough full-time employment for me. I was proud to be a stay at home mom. My girlfriends who still worked would ask sometimes, did I miss work? Honestly, no. Not at all. I was more than happy being a housewife who stayed at home and cared for her children. Maybe it a group decision too because 5 my friends became pregnant during the same time and quit their jobs also. We would get together and plan little outings to the park or the mall for shopping almost daily with our children. The birthday parties get-togethers for our children sealed our friendships.
After our three darlings came along, I decided to have my tubes tied. It was a decision we made together. Doesn’t sound sexy, but it was the fact. I had my hands full, but I loved my babies to death. It’s still like running a zoo sometimes, but it’s my zoo. Again, if it wasn’t for them I don’t think I could have carried on.
So, what happened to my perfect marriage? I lost my mind. There are realities and fantasies. And I crossed a line I should never have. I lost touch with reality and became obsessed with a stupid fantasy. The ugly truth is it’s nobody’s fault but mine. Do you find a wife who ruins her marriage with some stupid sexcapade disgusting? You will never come close to scratching the surface the disgust I have for myself nor the amount of hate either. Not now. Now ever.
Sorry, if I gave you the impression Dan and I were angels. We were pretty wild together before we got married. We did all kinds of crazy stuff and messed around with soft drugs in high school. I’ve seen Dan clutching a toilet bowl for dear life from drinking too much and he’s seen me. We also ate mushrooms together a few times way back then which was pretty insane at the time. We would lay in bed all day and fuck ourselves raw. All that partying stopped before we got married. One evening Dan just said, “Carrie, we can’t start a family acting like we were still in high school.” That’s how our partying days ceased.
But even after the children came, we would watch porn together late at night. One evening we were sitting together looking a porn on the internet (we have our HDTV hooked up to the internet) after the kids were in bed and came across some interracial cuckold stuff.
My gosh, all these married white women were giving it up to black men while their husbands watched. Sometimes, even 2 or 3 black men at a time. And their husbands were doing the filming! It was too wild. We looked at a lot of it that night. I thought Dan was into it because after we went to bed that night, we had some of the best sex ever. It was totally mind-blowing. In my mind, all I could see were those black cocks and those married white women in the videos screaming for more. Something happened to me that night and I became obsessed with doing something like that with Dan.
The next day I found when I had alone time, I returned to those same sites and watched while I masturbated myself into a frenzy, 3 or 4 times in one sitting. This became my only fantasy. To be taken and used by a black man. This fantasy had taken possession of my mind and never in my life had I experienced such a loss of self-control. I did it again the next day and the day after. Instead of focusing on Dan and children, I became focused on the idea of how I could convince Dan to make my fantasy real. Dan never denied me anything and knew how crazy I could be. I just needed a plan to make it real. Of course, I wanted Dan there to share it. We were partners. I would never do such a thing behind his back. I couldn’t. I needed Dan’s permission.
My mind became so twisted with my black cock fantasy, I truly believed if we did something like this together, it wouldn’t hurt Dan’s and my relationship. How stupid is that? The ‘sky’s the limit’ type of stupid?
A few nights after viewing those videos together, Dan and I were alone in the living room. I had put out a bottle of wine and we shared some. I asked if he wanted to watch some porn and like a trooper, Dan was all for it. I didn’t want to start off with the interracial porn stuff at first because I was trying to ease my fantasy into the conversation. But I was able to maneuver our viewing back to those websites shortly later.
Dan was leaning back against the couch and while watching the videos, l laid my head on his shoulder, I undid his pants, started masturbating him gently and talking softly in his ear. I told him how hard he was and did he like watching this type of videos. He said he did. I start whispering in his ear, could he imagine us doing something like this. Some black man using me any way he wanted and him filming it for later. Dan turned and looked at me questioning, “Carrie, why are you asking me this? I never thought about sharing you with anyone. Is this something new you would like to try?”
I tried to make it sound like an adventure we could both share. Something new. Something different. We could try it once to see how it was. He would be there and film the whole thing. He would be a part of it.
I did notice Dan lose his erection but I carried on anyway, ” Why not? It would be our dirty little secret.”
“Oh, come on Dan, we could spend a night downtown in a nice hotel and have fun. We haven’t done anything crazy in a while. You could video it all and we could sit here like now. It would spice up our sex life. The sex would be amazing like the other night.”
Dan was in deep thought for a moment, then questioned, “Carrie, this a fantasy of yours, honey? Has this been on your mind a while?”
“After watching these interracial videos the other night, our sex was just mind-blowing. I thought maybe you and I could make our own video. For fun to share alone.”
Dan was seeking my face for something, so I asked him, “So, what do you think?”
Dan looked down at nothing and said, “Carrie, is this something you really want to do? You would be willing to let a black man use you like these women on the screen?”
“Danny, if you were there I would.”
Even this conversation was twisting my mind even more now that it was out in the open. If I had any clarity at all during this conversation, I should have sensed his reluctance and dropped the whole thing. But I didn’t and keep pushing, “Come on Dan, it will be an adventure. It will be exciting.”
Dan leaned forward and studied the floor a moment, “Well, Carrie if this is what you really want, then I guess we could…I suppose.”
I wasn’t reading the concern on Dan’s face or listening to the tone of his voice. I was only thinking that he would give me this. And he did. Why? Because he loved me and trusted me as his best friend. After that, Dan said he was tired and he was going to bed. I told him I was going to stay to watch a bit more and would be up later. When he left, I masturbated a couple more times to my different favorites. I was out of control. An hour later I shut down everything and turned off the lights. By the time I was in bed, Dan had already gone to sleep. At least I think he was.
The next few days should have been a wake-up call for me. I knew he wasn’t into this like I was but so fixated on getting a black cock, any black cock, I arranged for a hotel room downtown. The simple fact is, I didn’t notice his reluctance because I didn’t want to notice it. I wanted this to happen.
BTW – Dan was always a good father who always shared responsibility with the children after work and helped me with them before bedtime. He was always so cheerful when we would sit around and watch television together as a family. And he was always very affectionate with me.
Dan would always touch me when he would walk past or he would pull me close and hug me for no reason at all. But during those last few days, all of that ceased. I was so into my black cock fantasy, I didn’t notice that he had withdrawn from the usual tenderness we shared. He wasn’t sulking or anything like that, he just wasn’t his regular self towards me.
How we met my fantasy black man is not important. What is, is that it happened, and Dan was there. He videoed the whole thing. I had arranged for my mother to come over so we could go out that evening. We were at the hotel about 3 hours before we finally left. I thought of calling my mom and asking if she would stay with the children overnight because we had the room until 11:00 am the next morning, but Dan wasn’t interested in staying. He just wanted to go home. So I showered, dressed, Dan packed up and we went home.
And the sex? The sex was everything I could have imagined. It was so wicked. It felt so dirty to be dominated by that black man. I was totally spent. Dan must have been worried that I was hurt with all the rough treatment my body received that evening as he kept asking me several times was I ok? Was everything alright? I laughed as I looked up to him and told him, “Yes! Danny, I way more than ok, I’m loving this!”
With concern and something else I could not read on his face, Dan looked down at me and softly said, “Ok Carrie, tell if you need a break, this is your fantasy.”
Again, I was in such a state of sexual frenzy during those 3 hours of complete mind-blowing sexual satisfaction, I ignored the words and tone in which Dan spoke them. Looking back I now see, I was slowly murdering the love of my life that evening and never even noticed it.
When we got home, Dan carried the one bag we had taken and was greeted by my mother. She looked at me a bit strangely and smiled, “Looks like you two had a nice time this evening.”
Dan walked over to her and hugged her for the longest time while thanking her for watching the kids while we were gone. He backed up, looked at the floor a moment, then looked her in the eyes, and hugged her again. And with that, he said was going use the computer some and said goodnight.
When he left, my mother with concern asked me, “What’s up with Dan? Is everything ok?” I was too tired to get into anything and just replied, “He’s fine mom, Dan’s got a lot on his mind with work lately. It’s nothing. We’re both just tired, that’s all.” My mother is no fool. Not like me. Mom knew right then something wasn’t right between us and with concern in her voice said, “Carrie baby, you know you can talk to me about anything, anytime ok sugar?” I assured her it was nothing and changed the conversation to the children. She could read me like a book but did push it. We talked a bit more, but as she was leaving, reminded me to keep in contact with her.
I went looking for Dan in the family room and found him already viewing and editing the video we made. I had already showered at the hotel and just wanted to go to bed. Tomorrow was another day with the kids running around, errands to run, clothes to wash, etc.
While Dan was busily working on the editing the video, I thought he must be more into this than I imagined. So I laughed, “Danny, come to bed. You can work on that some other time, it’s late. You must be at work tomorrow and I have the children to look after. We’ve had our fun, time for bed.”
At that point, Dan turned to me and flatly said, “Carrie, just go on up to bed. I want to work on this a bit more. Look at yourself, you’re worn out. Go up to bed and I’ll be up shortly. OK?”
That was when my gut feelings first started telling me something was off, “Dan, are you, ok sweetie? With all this tonight? Are we still good?”
Dan returned to his editing but in the same flat tone replied, “Carrie, it’s what you wanted, right? Well, you got it. It’s a little too late for this conversation now anyway don’t you think? Now go to bed, get some rest, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow night. OK? Everythings just great.” He didn’t sound like everything was great though. Maybe he was a little tired too.
I walked over to where Dan sat to hug him goodnight, but he turned when I approached and stood, “You know Carrie, I think I left something out in the car.” With that, he walked to the front door and went out.
I went over to the computer and the video was still running. I decided to sit down and watch a bit. I was a total slut in that video. I was sore but I had to admit that guy rocked my world big time. But, seeing myself submit to that black cock I started to feel my thoughts clouding. I mean the sex was mind-blowing and I didn’t cheat on Dan because he was there, but something was different. I watched it a bit more then got up to go to bed.
I tried to wait up for Dan to come to bed, but he’s a big boy and I was totally exhausted. I climbed into bed but before I fell asleep I was thinking how tonight’s sex was so different from being with Dan. Dan was gentle, caring, and very generous lover always making sure I got mine. The sex tonight was just different. It allowed a submissive part of me come out and play. That big black cock had worn me out. I told myself it was a just an experience. Maybe we would do it again, but not in the near future for sure. That would be for Dan and me to discuss sometime at way later date, if ever. The fantasy was over for me then.
When I awoke in the morning, I could see Dan hadn’t slept on his side of the bed. I still ached a bit as I walked to the bathroom. I examined myself in the mirror. I still looked like the same woman. No worse for the ware. Had all that really happen last night? Well, we had a video to prove it. I was looking forward to seeing it with Dan. I think…
When I went downstairs, Dan was sleeping on the couch. “Hey, wake up sleepy head, we have things to do.”
Dan rolled over away from me, “Carrie, I called in sick today. I’m not feeling very well. Maybe because of all the stuff last night. Anyway, don’t trouble me now.”
I sat down on the couch beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. I felt him shrugged my hand as I shook his shoulder gently, “Come on Dan, come up to the bedroom and sleep. This couch is too uncomfortable to sleep on all night. Come on honey.”
Dan turned around and slowly sat up. He didn’t look well at all. He looked like hell. “Carrie, I don’t want you or the kids to get this. I’ll just go up, shower and lay down in the guest room.” Without looking at me, Dan stood up and left.
This didn’t feel right at all. Dan and I were a couple. I knew his moods. My fantasy had clouded the sixth sense couples share during my eagerness to fulfill it. Now that the fantasy was over, I slowly started grasping the sum total of the events from the last week. I still didn’t feel like I done anything wrong. I mean, he drove me over there last night and brought me home, right? Dan was with me the whole time, right? I never hid anything from him. But I was beginning to feel …I don’t know…uneasy?
As I went to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, I could hear the shower upstairs running. After pouring myself a cup, I sat down in my robe at the kitchen table. For some reason, I just started looking around the room. At all the items we had brought into our house over the years to make it a home. We were not rich, but we lived in a nice neighborhood and had everything we needed. So why did it feel different now? And the difference was…strange. Not bad, not good. Just…flat. What are you suppose to feel sitting in your kitchen anyway?
I stood, took my coffee, and started walking around the house browsing at everything. I don’t even think I knew the reason why I was doing it. The pictures on the wall with the children. Family portraits. I had to admit we had made a very nice home. I continued walking around looking at souvenirs and knick-knacks we’d gathered over the years. I went to our children’s rooms and I saw them still asleep (almost time to wake up). They were beautiful and healthy. That’s as good as it gets.
I finally walked into our bedroom and Dan looked a little better. He was drying himself off, but when he saw me, he turned around to finish. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t find the words. With the towel wrap around his waist, he turned around, picked some clean clothes from a drawer of his dresser, and with an apology said, “Excuse me, Carrie, I need to get dressed now.” With that came the realization for the first time in our married life my husband didn’t want to dress in front of me.
He smiled at me, but there was something wrong. I think at that point he noticed the concern on my face. Then tried another better smile. That’s when I saw what was wrong; his eyes weren’t smiling. He was forcing himself to smile.
With clothes in hand, he returned to the bathroom and closed the door. I put my coffee on the nightstand by the lamp and sat down on the bed. Dan was behaving so out of character I was at a loss. I started to get a very uneasy feeling at that moment and suddenly stood up from the bed to stand outside our bathroom. Leaning against the door, “Honey, are you ok? Do you need something? I put on a pot. Do you want a cup of coffee? I can bring it right now. Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast. Anything you want. Anything at all.”
“No Carrie, I’m good. I may go out a bit later though. ”
“Honey, if you’re not feeling well, maybe we have something in the medicine cabinet you can take?”
I waited by the door for a reply and got none. Finally, the bathroom door open. Dan avoided looking at my face and had to walk around me because I was standing in the in his way, “Carrie, it’s all good. I’m just not feeling well. Can we drop it?”
Dan turned and displayed that same forced smile as before he left the bedroom. I grabbed my coffee quickly and rushed to follow him immediately. He walked where the computer was and removed what disks were there. I was quickly losing interest in ever seeing that video. “Dan, about last night. That was a onetime thing that will never happen again. Get rid of that disk. I should have never asked you to video what happened. It was just a stupid fantasy. It was all my fault for bringing it up. Don’t let what happened last night do anything to us. Please, it was a stupid idea that got in my head. It didn’t mean anything. Please, Danny, get rid of that video.” I was almost pleading in the end.
“Carrie, give it a break will you, it’s fine. I just need some rest, that’s all. The kids will be up soon so we’ll talk about this later tonight. We can even see you in action with your fantasy man after the kids are in bed. Sound good?” Without waiting for my response, he hugged me, kissed my forehead, but before he left he looked me in the eyes and said, “I love you, Carrie. Now and forever.” Then he left upstairs to the guest room.
I carried my coffee to the kitchen and put it on the counter. I turned to look out the sliding glass doors to the backyard. Dan had put in so much hard work into it over the years that it had become a beautiful garden now. At that moment, I felt a single tear and then another roll down my cheeks and didn’t know why. I felt nothing inside. I didn’t feel a need to cry but I was, “This is so silly. Why am I crying.” and I moved both hands up to wipe them away. The children would be running around soon, and it would do them no good to see Mommy with tears running down her face. We couldn’t have that happen now could we, no we could not.
I felt a terrible need to talk to with someone, but no one came to mind. The last person would be is my mother. I wouldn’t even know how to begin. Dan remained in the guest room all day. I was too afraid to approach him for fear of him leaving the house. He came out at the usual time he did when arriving home from work. I watched and listened as he interacted with the children, about their day, and what they did. From his outward appearance, he seemed like his regular self. I was silently praying it was so and we could get past this stupid fantasy of mine. We sat around the table and ate like always with lots of conversation and Dan telling silly dad jokes. But I realized later on, Dan was putting on a performance for the benefit of the children.
As we put the children to bed, I knew we were going to watch something I no longer had any interest in. Dan was sitting on the couch waiting for me with the TV on and the disk ready to play. “Dan, let’s not watch this. Please get rid of it. Nothing good is going to come out this. It was a mistake. Please, I’m begging you.”
Dan turned his head to me, “Carrie, remember you told me you wanted me to be there and video your black cock fantasy? That it would make our marriage more exciting. That we could watch it together and afterward have amazing sex. Remember that?”
“Dan, please baby, I am so sorry to ever have suggested acting on that stupid fantasy of mine. I can see how it all was wrong. Very wrong. For us. And it will never happen again. Forgive me. Please…”
Dan, looked at the floor now to consider my plea a moment and then turn to look at me, “Well, we have a video, so let’s make our marriage more exciting. Come on over here and sit down. You haven’t seen it yet. I’ve been working on it all day in the guest room and I’ve cut it down to about 30 minutes and have all the best shots. I’ve seen it three times today. Five, if you count last night after coming home. You really are a hottie.”
Not knowing what else to do, I just stood there. Dan smiled and patted the space next to him. This didn’t feel right at all as I reluctantly sat down. My stomach was in a knot. This was not how it was supposed to be. In my fantasy, this was supposed to be no different than any other evening watching some sex scenes together, then off to bed to make love together.
Dan pressed the remote button forward, and the show began. I watch myself on screen for a bit until I couldn’t take it anymore. Instead, I found my eyes drawn to everything else around the room. Pictures everywhere. All the family pictures on the wall, sitting on end tables, on the shelves.
Dan started a running commentary, saying things like, “Wow, look at the size of that guy’s cock. Carrie, that’s a big one. Just like Burger King. A Whopper! Hell, there’s no way I can compete with that. And black too like you wanted. I can’t compete with that either. Hey, Carrie check this out! Look! I’ve seen this before a few times; you’re about to cum big time on that big black cock. I’ve never seen you in such ecstasy. Damn, I wish I could do that for you. Sucks to be me huh? You guys fucked on and off for almost three hours. Damn. I may not have it anymore, but you sure do baby. Anyway, Carrie, you got ‘your’ fantasy fulfilled.”
I was trying to remain calm, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My mind was about to explode. Then the flood came. The tears started falling like rain, “Goddamn it Danny! It doesn’t mean shit! This video is all bullshit! It’s all fucking bullshit. It was a stupid fucking idea to do this! The worst I’ve ever had! Please stop this now. I’m so fucking sorry for this shit hole I’ve dug us into. This fucking mess I created. Please. I love you so much, Danny. Don’t do this. ”
Even without looking at the screen, I could hear my voice shouting things I couldn’t even remember I’d said, “Oh baby, fuck me hard with that big black dick of yours! Make me your bitch! Oh God, this is so good! ” Then this guy began this verbal taunting shit by saying, “Tell me how much you love this big black dick, Bitch. Tell me!” And like some stupid animal, I screamed back. “I LOVE YOUR BIG BLACK DICK! FUCK ME HARDER. OH, YES! THIS PUSSY LOVES YOUR BLACK DICK! ”
Looking at Dan, I could see on his face so much pain, a pain I’ve never seen before, as he sat motionless staring intently at the screen. What had I done? At that moment, I fell apart. I felt so ashamed that I had done this to him, to us. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with that bitch on the screen and completely lost it.
“Dan you’re a fucking asshole!” Then I jumped up and ran upstairs to our bedroom and slammed the door but I could still hear the video through the vent in the bedroom. I wanted to scream for Dan to turn it off but then remembered the children were sleeping. I was lucky I had not woken them by slamming our bedroom door.
That night I cried until I had no more tears. Everything I had done was clear to me now. I had totally fucked up everything good in my life. It felt like when a family member dies. That same heaviness in the heart and mind because you know they’re really gone and will never come back. I was experiencing the final death thralls of my marriage. It had died and all that was left was the funeral.
I don’t remember falling asleep but when I awoke I was alone again. I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling fan spin in circles until the children came asking mommy for breakfast. Their voices and faces brought me back to the land of the living. They all jumped in bed with me and with the sound of their laughter, for a brief moment, my thoughts found peace.
When I got downstairs, Dan had already left for work but had left a note on the kitchen table. I picked it up, folded it and put it in my robe pocket. I focused on feeding the children, making sure they brushed their teeth and properly dressed before I sat down alone to read what Dan had left. My hands were shaking as I unfolded the letter and read.
My Dearest Carrie,
I know you had a rough night last night, but honestly, I’m not feeling too great either. I watched the video a couple more times after you went to bed. You are quite beautiful. I really mean that. Maybe I should have said it more often? I never told you this, but I want to now. I fell in love you the first time I saw you. We were only 14. That seems so long ago and I wish we could go back there again. One thing for sure, I am so happy we shared the experience of being each other’s first.
I really do understand how bad you feel now and I’m sorry about the stupid commentary last night. It was uncalled for. I have been hurting so bad the past couple of days it just all came out. I’m glad you left when you did because last night because it was the first time in our lives I have ever wanted to beat you.
So, now what?
I’m totally lost and I don’t have the kind of compass or map to figure a way to where we were before. We have been together since we were kids. We both know each other well, at least I thought I did, but that night, when you told me not only were you ok but you felt great, I could see it. I saw something I have never seen before. You looked so content and satisfied with everything he was doing to you. I can’t look at you now knowing I can’t give you those same feelings of pleasure. I wish I could, but I can’t. And I feel so sick inside now knowing I am not a guy who can rock your world. I feel like I have suddenly been woken up after all these years together and see we have been living a lie. That you have been lying to me. And honestly, it’s eating me up inside and killing me.
The worst part of this is doubting if you ever received or enjoyed any pleasure from me at all. Carrie darling, believe it or not, that was always important for me. From what I saw the other night and from the video, I haven’t. I wish you had told me something was wrong with us and gave me a chance to do better. I would have tried so much harder to make sex more pleasurable for you. I feel so stupid and ashamed I couldn’t see what you were missing all these years.
With all that said, our physical relationship has come to an end. Game over. I don’t want to play with you anymore. I can’t compete at that level. I still love you as much as I ever did. But in my mind, I still see all those images of you and him with his big black cock. I have been comparing myself with your friend the other night since. I have seen that video so many times enough now to know he’s a better man than me at satisfying you. You’d be lying to yourself if you don’t believe that. I can’t compete with that and I won’t even try. Ever again. There are not of enough words for me to sincerely express to you how truly sorry I failed you in that way. Anyway, you won’t have to fake it with me anymore because I won’t let you.
When I asked you if that black cock fantasy of yours is what you really wanted, you said it was. How could I refuse you? You knew I wouldn’t. You know my craziness and I know yours. But I wasn’t giving you permission for your fantasy. I was confirming what I already knew. I saw it in your eyes that night. An after that first conversation, I knew you would follow thru eventually with or without me. This way I knew for sure.
And Carrie, I don’t hate you. I love you and always will. You better believe it. That love was sealed forever in your parents’ backyard under the stars when we were 15. No one can take that away from me forever. That is mine. And it’s also yours. Forever.
I want to say so much more to you but it seems so senseless and I feel so tired all the time now. My mind can’t rest. I am just drifting and need desperately something to hold on to, but I don’t know where to reach.
Carrie, we need to get some things straight. I’m not telling anyone anything about what happened. Understand, I’m not abandoning you or the children. Ever. I love you all so much, it pains me as I write this. And I promise Carrie, I will do everything I can to make you all happy to the best of my ability. Money, bills, the insurance, being there for you and the children.
Also, I’ve left a copy of the entire 3-hour video we made along with a few different copies I edited so you can view without me. You’ll find them in the drawer on the night table on your side of the bed. I know you will want to throw them away immediately but you should really look at them a least once before you do. It’s not a dig at you, but for one moment try and understand where I am coming from. Imagine if our roles had been reversed? If you would watch them, and try to see them through my eyes, to see the only woman I have ever loved so much happier without me in the equation, you will not touch the depth of pain I will carry in my heart forever. This was your fantasy and never mine ever. Do you know what my fantasy was? You. You alone Carrie.
Look, I don’t know what else to say here. Everything will work itself out eventually. That’s the way of the world. But, I seriously need some space now to think. I know the problems are all in my head, but when I see you now, I don’t feel good about myself at all. I can’t live a life like that. So…
This evening when I come home I will pack a few things after the kids are in bed and check into a motel for a bit. I’ll be by every day after to work to check on everyone. Promise. I will cash in some of our mutual funds and leave you the money this evening. I know it will help you feel better-having cash on hand and everything. Also, if either our folks call and ask for me, just tell them I’m in the bathroom or mall or whatever. My cell is still the same so you can text me. I don’t know what to do with all the holidays coming up. We will sit down and work this out together at later date, but I want you thinking about now. We need some kind of plan here. I guess that’s about it.
Carrie, I’m sorry. I love you now and always will. Talk to you soon. We’ll get through this. Love you always, Dan